I am a ball of tightly would string and I worry constantly. Giving birth and caring for two amazing little humans has added a few more knots to the strings. I worry incessantly over many things. It starts with health. Mine, Travis', Sam's, Brett's, my mom's, my extended family's. Next comes safety. How do you ensure safety in the wold we live in today? A world where parents drop their babies off at school and some monster prevents those parents from ever holding their babies again. Where does God fit in to this picture of evil and sickness? Where is our savior hiding when we struggle so much?
Where is he when we lose jobs and along with it lose our sense of pride and worth? Not to mention the true financial strains many live though on a daily basis. Losses that leave us feeling worthless and without meaning and de-committed to working for others who ultimately appear to value our sacrifices so little.
Where do we turn when we feel ourselves physically breaking down by running so hard all of the time but at the same time feel like pushing ourselves mentally and physically is normal and is good for us. When sitting and playing with kids or talking to friends seems like being lazy and a waste of precious time?
Where do we go when we live in fear that bad things are just around the corner, that we really don't deserve this perfect life and that someone or something is going to tip the tables out of our favor soon. The fear that typing this or actually talking about it makes it more likely to happen. How do you live in the moment and love in the moment?
I guess I should have titled this "what is the meaning of life". I am rambling. I drove myself to the ER a little over a week ago due to crushing pain in my shoulder, shortness of breath and feelings of fear. Everything checked out fine. They wanted to give me a sedative. Of course I refused. I drove home and committed to myself and my family to figure out how to relax more.
I asked my sister all of the questions I have typed above in little bits and pieces over the last two weeks. She asked me if I have read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I said no. She reminded me that she gave it to us for Brett's baptism. Oh yes, I vaguely remembers it but who has time to read books. Well I finally found it after scouring our house and I started reading. She is tough to follow at first. She made me sad at first. If you have read the book you understand what I am talking about.
I vow to keep reading and I vow to write down my 1,000 gifts and I commit to trying to be more thankful and less full of fear. Hopefully I will continue to post on this blog and I will look back at my journey through these 1,000 gifts as a growing up of sorts. I don't have any other hopes. I'm just going to see what happens.
Thanksgiving 1000 Gifts. 1. Twenty little fingers and twenty little toes that Travis and I never dreamed we would create ourselves 5 years ago.
2. The strong body, loving heart and bright mind of my better half.
3. The knowledge and dedication of doctors and nurses and the treatment programs they prescribe.
4. Bright white snow.
5. The refreshing feeling within me when I take a breath of the cool winter air.
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